“Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.”
- Isaac Asimov
The following text contains blood, mutilation, homosexual references, incest references, and a whole heap of WTF.
Exodus 4:24-27 – And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.” So he let him go: then she said, “A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.”
And the Lord said to Aaron, “Go into the wilderness to meet Moses.” And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.
God, being unhappy with Moses for not having his son circumcised, went to the inn where Moses was staying with his wife Zipporah and their elder son Eliezer, with the express intention of killing Moses.
When God burst into their room and held his hand up to smite Moses, Zipporah quickly sliced off her son’s foreskin (who conveniently happened to be standing in their room naked), and threw the bloody flap of skin at her husband.
To them both, she said, “There. Are you happy now? You can stop your pissing contest.” And to God, she added, “So sorry we forgot to perform the circumcision years ago, but, you know, what with my husband being so dedicated to doing things in your name . . .”
God held up his hands and said, “All right. You win. I won’t kill Moses, just so long as he does me one more favour: he must go into the wilderness and head to the Mountain of Me…”
(Moses, who didn’t need another hint, bolted out of the room and ran into the wilderness towards Mount Horeb.)
Eliezer said, “You know, it might have been nice if someone had bothered asking me if I wanted my foreskin cut off.”
And God said, “But no-one did ask you. Besides, you should be grateful I haven’t asked why you’re standing around in your parents room totally naked with your tackle on display.”
“Fair point,” said Eliezer.
Later, God went to Moses’ brother, Aaron, and said, “Moses is waiting for you at the Mountain of Me, far from the prying eyes of that harridan Zipporah.” Aaron grinned and thanked God, then raced off into the wilderness. When he found his brother, he embraced Moses and kissed him on the lips.
Moses pulled away. “What are you doing?”
“It’s okay,” said Aaron. “God told me you were waiting for me. Oh, Moses, I’m so happy! All these years—”
“Ah,” said Moses. “I’m sorry, brother. I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding…”
Commandments broken in this excerpt:
(Possibly) 5 – Honour thy father and thy mother. (Eliezer, realising his parents had forgotten to genitally mutilate him, ought to have removed his foreskin himself. Not doing so showed a lack of respect for his elders. Tut tut.)
6 – Thou shalt not kill. (One of approximately a gazillion instances in the Bible where God breaks (or at least considers breaking) his own Commandment, by almost killing Moses. Naughty, jealous God.)
(Alluded to) 7 – Thou shalt not commit adultery. (There’s surely more going on behind the scenes with Aaron’s feelings for Moses. But will Moses ever accept his brother’s advances? We can only hope not.)