In the news today:
The amazingly preserved remains of a 5000-year-old male Homo sapiens sapiens were discovered encased in a peat bubble under the Persian Gulf.
Scott Kaelen reports:
“The carbon-dated remains show evidence that this man was 930 years old at the time of his death. Also present in the peat bubble was an accompanying fig leaf, which shows more signs of degradation than the body itself.
The carbon-dating was also used to compare human DNA traces on the fig leaf, showing that the difference in cell degradation of the tissue and hair samples had a range of almost nine and a half centuries, suggesting the man wore the leaf from the moment of his Creation right up to his death and subsequent preservation. The finding also suggests that not only were the characters of the Old Testament privy to extended longevity, but so was the Biblical foliage of the time.
The corpse is being kept in the Vatican” continues Kaelen, “near the tombs of St Peter and Pope John Paul II – the latter, incidentally, who famously accepted Darwinism. The act has been called a “tactical placement” to show the erstwhile leader of the Catholic Chuch “just who is right around here, already” by those who snubbed the Church’s acceptance of Darwin’s evolution theory”
Cut to an image of the current Pope:
“It’s just a theory, after all,” says Pope Francis. “And to think for more than the last half a century we’ve been duped by science.”
“That,” says Kaelen, “was His Holiness yesterday, looking rather put out and just slightly miffed.”
The now vacuum-sealed corpse is being dubbed “Persian Gulf Man” by scientists, and “Eden Adam” by the Church, jokingly shortened by Darwinists to “Edam.”
“The Vatican is in turmoil, a schism separating those who have accepted Darwinism since Pop Pius XII, and those who secretly continued to keep Creationism close to their hearts. Pope Francis says, “I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m as confused as a dyslexic homosexual in a seminary.””
Cut to a brief video of Pope Francis, saying, “… seminary.”
“Words, perhaps,” concludes Kaelen, “that His Holiness may one day come to regret.”
Beneath the Persian Gulf, the underwater search continues for further remains. Just this morning the dismembered corpse of an alligator lizard was also found preserved in the mud, seemingly placed to point towards the north-west. Science and the Catholic Church are working together around the clock to piece the rest of the puzzle together.